The words would hurt if Zichen hadn't noticed how strangely Xue Yang is acting. Well, maybe it isn't so strange. Could the other man be frightened of this? Of them? Zichen can actually understand that; taking any risk after their hearts have been broken feels reckless.
"Don't lie." he types and then strokes over Xue Yang's fingers, trying to get them to relax. Nails can do a lot of damage and they have already lost enough blood for a lifetime.
Xue Yang feels overwhelmed. By grief over Xiao Xingchen and these new, confusing feelings about Song Lan. And now, the fear that he's going to lose everything again. Because he why wouldn't he? He can never hold onto good things. He always fucks it up sooner or later. That's just what he does.
Much to his humiliation, tears spring to his eyes and he shoves at Song Lan's chest. "I'm not lying! Have you forgotten who I am?! I'm a killer, a monster... a, what was it you called me? A "bastard beneath beasts"? Yeah, that's me!" A hysterical little laugh escapes him as tears run down his cheeks.
The fear is impossible to miss and Xue Yang's tears catch him by surprise. But Zichen doesn't fear touching the younger man. Far from it! So even though he is shoved, he holds his ground and wipes at the other man's tears with his thumb.
"No, that isn't you. I was blinded by my own rage and pain. I wanted you to be evil. It was simpler that way. But you're not." he hesitates, frowning as he thinks over his words, "Your pain proves you care. You made horrible decisions, but you died. Justice was served. I don't want you to keep suffering now."
Xue Yang lets out a soft whimper as he trembles under him. He curls up, turning away and covering his ears. "S-Stop it," he sobs. He can't quite handle being told that he's not an irredeemable, evil monster - especially from someone who has every reason to think of him that way.
Zichen forgoes the communicator and curls himself around Xue Yang, hugging him from behind. He doesn't have the words to explain why he needs this - why he needs Xue Yang. After all that has happened between them, maybe he is broken too.
Xue Yang just sobs harder when Song Lan holds him. He doesn't understand any of this, how he could possibly be wanted by this man, but he's not been pushed away or rejected - even when he's tried to provoke Song Lan into doing that. It goes against what he's used to.
Zichen holds Xue Yang firmly, pressing his face against the fall of soft, dark hair. The sobs wrack both of their bodies and he doesn't know how to comfort...how to soothe. Xiao Xingchen is so much better at those things.
All he can do is hum and dab at Xue Yang's cheeks with the blanket.
Just being held is actually exactly what Xue Yang needs right now to start to calm down. The firm hold grounds him and calms his breathing a little. After a moment, he rolls over to face Song Lan again, though he doesn't look at him. He just buries his face against the other man's chest and pulls the blanket over the both of them.
The shift in positions makes his breath catch. He isn't sure what to expect, but then Xue Yang settles against him as if he is...going to sleep? Zichen is mildly amused, carefully petting over the younger man's hair.
This is just one step in a long journey. He settles down, calming himself. Now if only his thoughts would stop racing.
It's become comfortable to curl up like this. Song Lan's body is so solid and strong, and he's still warm from their activities. He slides an arm around Song Lan's waist and presses himself closer, as close as he can get. He doesn't understand any of this, but he knows that he doesn't want to be alone. He wants to be held, to be safe and protected. Like he never had been as a kid.
Zichen can protect him. And he will. Now that Xue Yang has shown his vulnerabilities, those secrets are safe with him. Daily, he will prove he isn't going to disappear or abandon Xue Yang. Curses might interfere with this, but it won't ruin it. Zichen is stubbornly certain of that.
Kissing the top of Xue Yang's head, he rests his cheek on his hair.
Exhausted from the crying (and the sex), Xue Yang quickly nods off. He clings to Song Lan in his sleep, making a nice, warm little burrow against his body.
Zichen drifts off too, lulled into dreams by Xue Yang's warmth. His hold relaxes, but he doesn't let go. At some point, his dreams turn violent and he yelps in his sleep.
Xue Yang startles awake by that sound. He's not sure where it's coming from until he notices that Song Lan's sleep seems troubled. Nightmares? Frowning a bit, he gives him a gentle squeeze. "Hey, you're just dreaming," he murmurs.
The voice has an immediate effect. Xue Yang might think Zichen associates him with monsters and nightmares, but he's wrong. His expression relaxes and he mumbles something sleepily - none of it coherent for obvious reasons.
Something twists in Xue Yang's chest when Song Lan is so immediately soothed by his voice. How is that even possible? "Song Lan..." he murmurs softly and puts their foreheads together with a soft sigh. I don't get you at all, he thinks, but I guess that's fine for now.
He hears his voice and snuggles against Xue Yang, his arms holding the other man protectively. It's instinctive and it makes little sense, but Song Zichen has watched Xue Yang fall to pieces and he has fallen to pieces himself. When he put himself back together, he thinks that parts of Xue Yang embedded themselves in him.
They are broken, but almost...the same kind of broken.
That would certainly explain the connection he feels. Falling into bed with Song Lan has certainly been strange, but not as strange as he would've imagined. Some part of it almost feels like it'd been inevitable.
He relaxes back into Song Lan's arms, burying his face in the crook of his neck before drifting off into sleep again.
Fighting and hating one another had seemed inevitable too. They are just fated to feel the extremes, it seems. At least like this they are in no danger of hurting someone else.
Zichen sleeps dreamlessly the rest of the night, waking in the morning and pressing his lips to Xue Yang's lips. Good morning.
Xue Yang lets out a grumbly little noise, but being woken up with a kiss... it is a nice way to wake up. He's just not a morning person. He nibbles at Song Lan's lips and peers his eyes open. "Mnnn..."
Zichen can make mornings a little softer, at least, and he strokes Xue Yang's cheek, enjoying his sleepy expression. He kisses the younger man again and then sits up, stretching.
Xue Yang's cheeks flush pink as he wakes up more and remembers his embarrassing outburst the other night. And because Song Lan is still being so fucking sweet right now. How dare he, honestly. He follows his lover's movements with his eyes.
"Are you going somewhere?" he asks when Song Lan sits up.
If anything, Zichen feels closer to Xue Yang. He knows the other man's fears and he feels confident that he can help ease them. As he stretches, the muscles in his back and arms especially noticeable, he shakes his head.
Then he lays on his side, facing Xue Yang. This is where he is needed and so he will stay unless he is turned away.
Zichen has plenty of them! His chest, his abdomen, his back, his thighs... And everything in-between. The black robes he usually wears hides his physique.
A small smile curves his lips and he trickles his fingers down Xue Yang's back. Only to then kiss him again, humming.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2023-10-26 12:19 pm (UTC)"Don't lie." he types and then strokes over Xue Yang's fingers, trying to get them to relax. Nails can do a lot of damage and they have already lost enough blood for a lifetime.
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Date: 2023-10-26 01:35 pm (UTC)Much to his humiliation, tears spring to his eyes and he shoves at Song Lan's chest. "I'm not lying! Have you forgotten who I am?! I'm a killer, a monster... a, what was it you called me? A "bastard beneath beasts"? Yeah, that's me!" A hysterical little laugh escapes him as tears run down his cheeks.
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Date: 2023-10-26 01:50 pm (UTC)"No, that isn't you. I was blinded by my own rage and pain. I wanted you to be evil. It was simpler that way. But you're not." he hesitates, frowning as he thinks over his words, "Your pain proves you care. You made horrible decisions, but you died. Justice was served. I don't want you to keep suffering now."
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Date: 2023-10-26 01:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-26 02:02 pm (UTC)But this... To him... Is undeniable.
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Date: 2023-10-26 02:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-26 02:15 pm (UTC)All he can do is hum and dab at Xue Yang's cheeks with the blanket.
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Date: 2023-10-26 02:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-26 02:25 pm (UTC)This is just one step in a long journey. He settles down, calming himself. Now if only his thoughts would stop racing.
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Date: 2023-10-26 02:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-26 02:36 pm (UTC)Kissing the top of Xue Yang's head, he rests his cheek on his hair.
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Date: 2023-10-26 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-26 02:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-26 02:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-26 02:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-26 03:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-26 04:28 pm (UTC)They are broken, but almost...the same kind of broken.
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Date: 2023-10-26 04:47 pm (UTC)He relaxes back into Song Lan's arms, burying his face in the crook of his neck before drifting off into sleep again.
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Date: 2023-10-26 04:51 pm (UTC)Zichen sleeps dreamlessly the rest of the night, waking in the morning and pressing his lips to Xue Yang's lips. Good morning.
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Date: 2023-10-26 04:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-26 04:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-26 05:03 pm (UTC)"Are you going somewhere?" he asks when Song Lan sits up.
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Date: 2023-10-26 05:11 pm (UTC)Then he lays on his side, facing Xue Yang. This is where he is needed and so he will stay unless he is turned away.
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Date: 2023-10-26 05:15 pm (UTC)Once Song Lan lays back down with him, Xue Yang scoots close again and slides his arms around his neck. "Good." He wants him here, can't help it.
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Date: 2023-10-26 05:21 pm (UTC)A small smile curves his lips and he trickles his fingers down Xue Yang's back. Only to then kiss him again, humming.
"I dreamed about you."
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From:(suddenly i really want a canon au psl where song lan is the one who finds xue yang in that ditch)
From:>:3 Yes. SL would be so torn.
From:xxc is just off elsewhere on peaceful adventures with a-qing while sl deals with a gremlin lmao
From:So many frowns would happen. And huffs.
From:but it would be better for everyone in the end <3
From:it would ;n;
From:if u wanna rp that, i could write a starter? :3
From:yes please! :3
From:i sent u a pm :3
From:Got it <3
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