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[bringingdowndisaster]

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[zichen]

Zichen laughs as he comes down from the incredible high, turning his head to kiss Xue Yang's temple. Being filled adds another level to the pleasure and he smiles, content.

"Usually...you are full of it. Now I am." he teases.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang giggles into his neck and slowly pulls out so he can snuggle up into Song Lan's arms. "You are. How does it feel? If you want to clean up, we should do it now before I get too comfortable."

[zichen]

Zichen blinks and thinks about it, tilting his head a little to the right. Then, shockingly, he pulls Xue Yang into a soft, lingering kiss.

"I like it." he admits quietly, "I want it to stay...for now."

[bringingdowndisaster]

"Mmm..." Xue Yang slips his arms around his lover and melts into the kiss. He grins a little against his lips. "It might feel weird when it starts to dry," he warns, but he definitely likes the fact that Song Lan wants to keep that part of him inside...

[zichen]

He wraps the younger man in his arms and gently sucks on his lips. The grin is felt more than seen, but he likes the expression no less.

"I don't mind." Zichen rubs over Xue Yang's back and nuzzles his face against his neck, breathing in his warm scent, "It is my first time."

[bringingdowndisaster]

"Mm... so you liked it, huh? I'm glad." He nuzzles against Song Lan's hair, giving him a light squeeze with his arms.

[zichen]

"I knew I would...with you." Zichen kisses Xue Yang's shoulder, hugging him tighter too, "You're very cute when you want to be."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang laughs a little. "Don't tell anyone. I have a reputation to uphold." He nuzzles their noses together and kisses him. He's almost forgotten why he'd been upset before, though not completely. It's still there in the back of his head, like a budding headache, but right now he can mostly ignore it.

[zichen]

"Your secret is safe with me." Zichen murmurs and deepens the kiss, brushing their tongues together with a quiet hum, "This Xue Yang belongs to me. I don't want to share him."

Or embarrass him. Zichen doesn't mind everyone on the Barge thinking he is crazy. If it keeps Xue Yang feeling secure and confident, it's not a big price to pay.

He has seen the other man broken. He won't be the cause of that.

[bringingdowndisaster]

A pleasant little shiver rushes down Xue Yang's spine. Oh, he likes that... "I don't want to be shared either," he murmurs. He nestles himself closer, really wanting to feel his lover against himself.

[zichen]

Zichen grins and tangles their legs together, unlikely to let Xue Yang go anytime soon.

"I don't either. You haven't treated me poorly or used me. You could have." he rubs their cheeks together, "Think better of yourself. You're more capable than you realize."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang blushes a little and strokes their feet together. "I've never... been with anyone like this before." Before Xiao Xingchen, he'd never wanted anything like this with anyone, but he couldn't have it with him. He never would've expected he could have it with Song Lan.

[zichen]

The motion is cute and Zichen's grin grows. He nods gently, not wanting to dislodge his lover an inch. Or even half an inch.

"Is it terrible?" he kisses along Xue Yang's jawline, "You have a heart. It's frightening giving it to another, but, in a way, that protects it more."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang ducks his head down a little. "I just don't... understand why you want this with me. I did worse to you than I did to Xiao Xingchen, and he... he hates me." That's where a lot of his insecurities come from.

[zichen]

"I watched you for years. I saw your pain and anguish. I saw how much you love him." Zichen smiles sadly, "I suppose I saw a little of myself in you. It hurt me to be confined, to be unable to express myself or do as I wished. I admit I hated you, but that became...something else over the years."

Something murky and frustrating.

"Killing you hurt too." his voice quiets, "I saw the candy in your hand and how you tried to cling onto Xingchen's soul. You were...are...in love. Genuinely. It changed you." he strokes Xue Yang's cheek, "When you mourned with me and began to seek me out on the Barge, I... I couldn't hate you. And then we...slept together..." he chuckles shyly, "I realized all of my anger and frustration was just...passion. Some part in me needs you."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang is quiet as Song Lan speaks. Being reminded of Yi City brings him back there, makes his eyes water. Eight hopeless years of trying to bring back someone who didn't want to live, who would've hated him even more if he'd succeeded. And Song Lan... the constant shadow at his back, forced to obey his commands, but still capable of independent thought.

"I... I forgot to hate you a lot back home," he murmurs into Song Lan's chest where he buries his face, "I even wished sometimes that I hadn't cut your tongue out so you could talk to me." He'd been so desperately alone. "

A small sob escapes him. "I don't know... my head's all fucked up. I don't... I don't want to ruin things again." But he fears that he will, because he doesn't know how to hold onto good things.

[zichen]

"Hate is a good thing to forget. It's poison and it will tear you down eventually." Zichen had learned that the hard way. After killing Xue Yang and taking hold of Xingchen's sword and spirit, he had never been more alone.

He couldn't even ask for help.

"I would have called you every name I know." he smiles grimly, "But it would have been better than the silence."

Zichen rolls them and holds Xue Yang underneath him, raising himself to kiss his cheeks and over his eyelids.

"You know what hurts you. I'm no different. We might fight; we might be very angry at one another. But those emotions pass." he then asks, softly, "What brings you back here? With me? It's not hate."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang smiles a little through the tears. "Yeah. You and your toothless insults." It definitely would've been preferable to the silence. He'd talked to himself and to Xiao Xingchen's body to try and fill it, but it hadn't been enough. Had just reinforced how alone he was.

He shudders when Song Lan holds him under his body instead, immediately feeling a little grounded by it.

"It's not hate," he agrees in a low voice. "I guess I just... feel better being here, with you." He looks away, a little embarrassed. Feelings are hard and stupid!

[zichen]

"They would've been terribly effective." Zichen remarks sardonically before focusing on Xue Yang's reactions. It's rare to see the other man so...out of his comfort zone. Yet it feels like he is partially trying for Zichen's sake.

And that is all Zichen will ever ask of him.

"That's good." he smiles, the expression softening, "I feel better too."

Being with Xue Yang.

"You understand...what we endured. You know the pain of loving and losing. I don't have to explain myself to you."

[bringingdowndisaster]

"At least I could've insulted you back."

Xue Yang is trying, but being vulnerable is still so uncomfortable for him. Uncomfortable and frightening. It feels like baring his throat to a potential predator. Song Lan hasn't torn his throat out yet though.

"Mmm..." He nods. He really does feel like they can understand each other on a level no one else would be able to. And that does afford Song Lan some trust. "I don't think anyone else would understand it."

[zichen]

"That almost sounds fun." Zichen kisses Xue Yang's lips lightly. If he is a predator, he is one that has lost interest in the hunt. He just wants a pack...a mate. Someone he can call his own and use for warmth in the cold, long nights.

"I don't want them to." it's bad enough they understand.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang chuckles. "I could've taught you some more creative insults. Hell, I could still do that!"

He grins a little and kisses him back, softly nipping at those lips. "Me neither."

[zichen]

"I'll bite you if you go too far." Zichen warns, laughing throatily under the nipping, "But you would probably like that. I should come up with a better punishment."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang giggles a little. Oh, he would definitely enjoy that!

"Like what?" he teases, "Are you going to spank me?" His eyes sparkle brightly at that.

[zichen]

"You look far too happy for that to be a punishment." Zichen narrows his eyes, suspicious, "Do you like being spanked, Xue Yang?"