"I can ask Master. Meditation might help free those memories. There are certain herbs that can open the mind." Xingchen answers thoughtfully, "I will sit with you if you wish to try?"
Xue Yang worries his bottom lip with his teeth for a moment before nodding. "Okay... but I've never meditated before." He doesn't know if he can even manage to sit still for that long!
"The incense will help you be calm." Xingchen reassures, rising to make preparations, "All you have to do is sit and think back to the time you want to remember."
"Okay..." Xue Yang decides to put some faith into Xiao Xingchen, even if it is a daunting task. He just hopes it'll be worth it. He sits back on the bed and waits for Xiao Xingchen to finish the preparations.
He measures out the appropriate herbs - after checking one of his scrolls - and then invites Xue Yang to sit on a cushion beside the incense burner. To make the other boy feel less alone, he joins him and smiles calmly.
Xue Yang fidgets a little, but he sits down and tries to resist bouncing his leg. He feels strangely... jittery. If he'd been more in touch with his emotions he might've recognized it as nerves.
The incense and Xiao Xingchen's presence do help though. He takes a deep breath when prompted and feels himself relaxing a little.
Nervousness is normal - and expected in this case! Xue Yang might remember things that are painful or frightening. But Xingchen is determined to stay beside him until they know for sure.
With the incense burning, he helps the other boy through the steps that will take him into a trance-like state.
It takes some effort, but Xue Yang is eventually able to relax enough to sink into the trance of the meditation.
He follows Xiao Xingchen's guiding voice, lets himself be soothed by it, and calls up buried memories from his childhood.
He can't be more than three or four years old. A man with a blurry face seats him at a table. There is a calligraphy brush, a small inkwell and a sheet of paper on it.
The man has a kind voice when he speaks, "Can you write your name, A-Yang? Xue Yang. Just like I taught you. Do you remember?"
The small boy nods. "I remember, papa!" With much concentration, he starts to clumsily write the characters on the paper. They're crooked and ugly, but the man - his father - sounds pleased. "Well done, A-Yang. We will have to work on your penmanship, but--"
While he can't see the man's face clearly, he can tell that he is concerned by a loud knock on a door somewhere. "A-Yang, do you remember where you hid last time when we played? Go and hide there now. Don't make a sound, and don't come out until I tell you too, okay?"
The young Xue Yang tries to protest, but the knocks get louder and angrier, and his father ushers him away in a hurry.
The house is small with not a lot of hiding places, but Xue Yang knows where to go. There is a loose floorboard in the room they're in, in a corner, and he slips down there. He can't see much, but he hears loud, angry voices. His papa is trying to pacify the men, but they just get louder. Angrier.
The Xue Yang of the past is too young to understand, but the older Xue Yang who is living through this through the eyes and mind of his younger self, he understands. His father has borrowed money from these men, money he hasn't been able to pay back.
Suddenly, Xue Yang knows what is about to happen. There is violence coming.
Xue Yang gasps, tears streaming down his face as he snaps out of the trance and scrambles backwards, knocking the incense burner over. "No, no, no!" he cries.
He is ready - or he tries to be - but he hates that his new friend has seen something awful. He had been praying it would be nice. Xingchen is quick to follow the poor boy, seeing to the incense burner before it catches anything on fire.
"Xue Yang... Shhh, you're with me." he frowns, pale and worried, "What did you see? Was it your parents?"
Had something happened to them? A cold knot surfaces in his chest. He knows the truth without Xue Yang saying a word. Why would loving parents ever leave a boy to suffer like his friend had?
It had been nice, until it wasn't. Xue Yang trembles and wraps his arms around himself. Something he would always do when he was little and upset - now he knows why he'd been so upset.
"My... my father," he finally manages. Although he is no longer in a trance, more memories are coming to him. Angry tears keep welling in his eyes. "They... they k-killed him!"
"A-Yang, do you remember who did it?" Xingchen sits at Xue Yang's side and carefully strokes over his friend's hair, "Names... Faces... I can let Master know. She believes in justice." and what men could stand against her in a fight?
"I'm so sorry." he adds quietly, "He must have loved you very much to keep you from being hurt too."
"N-No. I didn't see them. I just... heard them. They were moneylenders." He wipes his face with his sleeve, but he's still trembling a little. "My father... he couldn't, couldn't pay them back, so..."
Xingchen pulls him into his arms and closes his eyes sadly. Xue Yang doesn't need to say.
"He made a mistake, trusting murderers. But his son is safe. I'm certain his soul is at peace." particularly now that Xue Yang isn't on the streets anymore, "Stay here, A-Yang. Train. Then you and I can set out and make sure men like that are held accountable."
Xue Yang nods, and carefully leans into Xiao Xingchen's arms. He can train and become strong. Maybe he won't be able to ever track down his father's killers, but there are others...
"I remember... my father said that he wanted me to have a better chance than he'd had. That's why he wanted me to learn to read and write. I didn't really get it, back then, but..." He does now. His father had probably used some of that borrowed money to buy that calligraphy brush. Just to teach him.
Xingchen rests their heads together, listening to those precious memories. He chuckles softly, a little tearfully, at the comment about not getting it back then.
"A-Yang, you were only a child. You expect so much of yourself and...that's how you've survived." he wipes at his eyes with his sleeve, "I'll help you with anything you want to learn. Your father is likely already proud of you, but why shouldn't you be strong and capable?"
Xue Yang sniffles and shudders. "How could he be proud of me? I'm just a... a... fucking delinquent whore. That's nothing to be proud of." He spits the words, angrily. "Who could... ever want that?" His voice sounds smaller now.
He hugs him tighter at those awful words. Xingchen shakes his head firmly.
"You're alive. Whatever you've had to do to stay alive probably breaks his heart." he knows it breaks his, "How could he ever stop loving you? You are his precious son."
Those words cause Xue Yang to break down into a fit of sobs again. He presses his face into Xiao Xingchen's shoulder as if trying to hide it - which is pointless of course.
He's never allowed himself to grieve, or to truly feel the impact that years on the streets had had on him. He suddenly feels filthy, disgusting.
How can Xiao Xingchen touch him with hands that he doubts have ever been cruel? How can someone so... so beautiful and kind look at him and not appear to see just a pile of trash? Or a body to abuse? He doesn't understand, but he doesn't want Xiao Xingchen to let go either.
Xingchen holds him securely, not minding in the least if his robes get wet or dirty. He is grateful - so grateful - to Xue Yang's father for doing all he could to protect his son. While he has only known the other boy for a day, he can see his worth clearly.
He doesn't want to let him go.
Proving his strength, he lifts his friend and carries him back to bed. There, he uses a soft cloth, dipped in water, to clean and soothe Xue Yang's face.
It's embarrassing to be seen to be so weak and vulnerable. Embarrassing and dangerous. It goes against all of his survival instincts, but something about Xiao Xingchen makes him want to trust him.
Maybe because his touch is not like what he's used to. It's not rough, violent, angry or lecherous. Shuddering, he feels nauseated at the thought of all the men who have touched him.
It's not a big deal, he tries to tell himself, but remembering his father has left him emotionally open and rubbed raw on the inside. Knowing that he could have had a normal life if not for his father being murdered... it just brings to light how fucked up his whole life has been for the past decade or so.
Still sniffling, Xue Yang sits still and quiet as Xiao Xingchen cleans his face. He must look a mess.
Xue Yang can be weak, vulnerable and worse, if worse exists for him, and Xingchen will just love him all the more. His chest hurts at what his little friend has revealed. Xingchen doesn't fully understand sex - beyond the basics - and this is the first time he has thought about someone being...forced. How awful!
How...unforgivable. He tightens his embrace around the other boy until he is cleaning that precious face.
"What happened to you isn't your fault." he dries Xue Yang's cheeks with a soft towel, "You're so strong; stronger than I would be."
Xue Yang wouldn't consider himself having been forced, though he most certainly had been - by his circumstances. If there had been any other option, he would have chosen that. He doesn't like to be seen as a victim, but right now it feels like his skin is crawling with everything he'd had to do to survive.
"Because I had to be," he says, his voice hardening a little, "You can't know what you would've done if you were in my shoes."
"You're right." Xingchen hears that hard edge and knows there is pain underneath. A lot of pain.
"Just like I can't know what I would do if I was in an avalanche. What you've gone through... It's going to take time, but you can heal." because of the strength and resilience Xue Yang has already shown, "I believe in you."
Xue Yang shudders again and grips at Xiao Xingchen's robes. "I don't want to do that again," he whispers, tucking his face against the older boy's shoulder.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2023-02-15 02:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-02-15 08:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-02-15 11:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-02-15 07:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-02-18 07:06 am (UTC)"Breathe deep."
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Date: 2023-02-18 03:04 pm (UTC)The incense and Xiao Xingchen's presence do help though. He takes a deep breath when prompted and feels himself relaxing a little.
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Date: 2023-02-19 12:22 pm (UTC)With the incense burning, he helps the other boy through the steps that will take him into a trance-like state.
"Relax and think back...to your first memory..."
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Date: 2023-02-19 12:48 pm (UTC)He follows Xiao Xingchen's guiding voice, lets himself be soothed by it, and calls up buried memories from his childhood.
He can't be more than three or four years old. A man with a blurry face seats him at a table. There is a calligraphy brush, a small inkwell and a sheet of paper on it.
The man has a kind voice when he speaks, "Can you write your name, A-Yang? Xue Yang. Just like I taught you. Do you remember?"
The small boy nods. "I remember, papa!" With much concentration, he starts to clumsily write the characters on the paper. They're crooked and ugly, but the man - his father - sounds pleased. "Well done, A-Yang. We will have to work on your penmanship, but--"
While he can't see the man's face clearly, he can tell that he is concerned by a loud knock on a door somewhere. "A-Yang, do you remember where you hid last time when we played? Go and hide there now. Don't make a sound, and don't come out until I tell you too, okay?"
The young Xue Yang tries to protest, but the knocks get louder and angrier, and his father ushers him away in a hurry.
The house is small with not a lot of hiding places, but Xue Yang knows where to go. There is a loose floorboard in the room they're in, in a corner, and he slips down there. He can't see much, but he hears loud, angry voices. His papa is trying to pacify the men, but they just get louder. Angrier.
The Xue Yang of the past is too young to understand, but the older Xue Yang who is living through this through the eyes and mind of his younger self, he understands. His father has borrowed money from these men, money he hasn't been able to pay back.
Suddenly, Xue Yang knows what is about to happen. There is violence coming.
Xue Yang gasps, tears streaming down his face as he snaps out of the trance and scrambles backwards, knocking the incense burner over. "No, no, no!" he cries.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-19 12:56 pm (UTC)"Xue Yang... Shhh, you're with me." he frowns, pale and worried, "What did you see? Was it your parents?"
Had something happened to them? A cold knot surfaces in his chest. He knows the truth without Xue Yang saying a word. Why would loving parents ever leave a boy to suffer like his friend had?
no subject
Date: 2023-02-19 01:10 pm (UTC)"My... my father," he finally manages. Although he is no longer in a trance, more memories are coming to him. Angry tears keep welling in his eyes. "They... they k-killed him!"
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Date: 2023-02-19 01:18 pm (UTC)"I'm so sorry." he adds quietly, "He must have loved you very much to keep you from being hurt too."
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Date: 2023-02-19 01:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-02-19 01:32 pm (UTC)"He made a mistake, trusting murderers. But his son is safe. I'm certain his soul is at peace." particularly now that Xue Yang isn't on the streets anymore, "Stay here, A-Yang. Train. Then you and I can set out and make sure men like that are held accountable."
no subject
Date: 2023-02-19 01:36 pm (UTC)"I remember... my father said that he wanted me to have a better chance than he'd had. That's why he wanted me to learn to read and write. I didn't really get it, back then, but..." He does now. His father had probably used some of that borrowed money to buy that calligraphy brush. Just to teach him.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-19 01:44 pm (UTC)"A-Yang, you were only a child. You expect so much of yourself and...that's how you've survived." he wipes at his eyes with his sleeve, "I'll help you with anything you want to learn. Your father is likely already proud of you, but why shouldn't you be strong and capable?"
no subject
Date: 2023-02-19 01:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-02-19 01:52 pm (UTC)"You're alive. Whatever you've had to do to stay alive probably breaks his heart." he knows it breaks his, "How could he ever stop loving you? You are his precious son."
no subject
Date: 2023-02-19 02:02 pm (UTC)He's never allowed himself to grieve, or to truly feel the impact that years on the streets had had on him. He suddenly feels filthy, disgusting.
How can Xiao Xingchen touch him with hands that he doubts have ever been cruel? How can someone so... so beautiful and kind look at him and not appear to see just a pile of trash? Or a body to abuse? He doesn't understand, but he doesn't want Xiao Xingchen to let go either.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-19 02:11 pm (UTC)He doesn't want to let him go.
Proving his strength, he lifts his friend and carries him back to bed. There, he uses a soft cloth, dipped in water, to clean and soothe Xue Yang's face.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-19 05:35 pm (UTC)Maybe because his touch is not like what he's used to. It's not rough, violent, angry or lecherous. Shuddering, he feels nauseated at the thought of all the men who have touched him.
It's not a big deal, he tries to tell himself, but remembering his father has left him emotionally open and rubbed raw on the inside. Knowing that he could have had a normal life if not for his father being murdered... it just brings to light how fucked up his whole life has been for the past decade or so.
Still sniffling, Xue Yang sits still and quiet as Xiao Xingchen cleans his face. He must look a mess.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-20 01:30 pm (UTC)How...unforgivable. He tightens his embrace around the other boy until he is cleaning that precious face.
"What happened to you isn't your fault." he dries Xue Yang's cheeks with a soft towel, "You're so strong; stronger than I would be."
no subject
Date: 2023-02-20 09:49 pm (UTC)"Because I had to be," he says, his voice hardening a little, "You can't know what you would've done if you were in my shoes."
no subject
Date: 2023-02-21 12:43 pm (UTC)"Just like I can't know what I would do if I was in an avalanche. What you've gone through... It's going to take time, but you can heal." because of the strength and resilience Xue Yang has already shown, "I believe in you."
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Date: 2023-02-21 04:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-02-22 12:52 pm (UTC)He hugs the younger boy to him.
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